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Soooo....been gone for a while.  I'm sure all the ladies missed me.  I'd have gotten online so they wouldn't worry but they don't allow that sorta thing IN JAIL!!! 

That's right.  I was in fucking jail!  It was for complete and utter bullshit too!  Apparently it's legal to pick up a random stranger on a street corner, fuck her brains out in the backseat, then drive off without giving her money.  But when you try and do the right thing and actually pay her THEN it's a fucking crime.  Here I am trying to do my part to help out working women and next thing I know, I'm in a hotel room with my pants around my ankles and two cops are barging in with tasers and pepper spray and shit.  They're beating me with batons and shit for not complying with the order to lay down.....but I can't lay down cause i've got enough voltage to light up Times Square jumping through me!

So, after all that crap, I'm sitting in a fucking holding cell.  I've heard the drill before, they hold you for maybe 48 hours, run you through the system, you post bail, and you're good to go.  Might get slapped with a misdemeanor and some community service.  Big deal.  But no...it couldn't be that fucking simple.  Turns out I've got outstanding warrants in like 8 different states!  Turns out my RV trip to bang a broad in each state was a roaring success...except some of the broads did the whole "Oh, I'mma slut but don't want everyone to know so I'll claim rape" deal.  So yeah...I've been bouncing from one jurisdiction to another.  What those broads didn't know is that I recorded all those little escapades.  I planned on selling them to the Girls Gone Wild company.  Now they're collectin' dust in an evidence locker....or some cop's beatin' off to it.  Either way, doesn't do me a damned bit of good anymore.

So yeah...I'm back home and gonna be relaxing for a while.  That'll teach me to try and help out a broad.  Next time, I'll just buy her a fucking drink.

Tags:

[GS]

Holy freakin crap!!!  I'm gone for what...a couple weeks, and the boning odds turn greatly in my favor!  This is what I'm talkin about!

So yeah, I just got back from my trip down to Panama City, Florida.  I spent the last few days trolling for slutty teenagers on Spring Break enjoying the wonderful beach scenery.  Tried the club scene down there too, it's pretty good.  The name's Glenn, but you ladies can call me Quagmire...or Daddy if that's your thing.  Giggity giggity! 

I...LOVE....CHURCH CHICKS

I was invited to go to church with some friends of mine for Easter.  I figure, why the hell not.  I actually didn't have any plans/dates/bootycalls going on so I went.  After getting there, things were pretty boring, and I was looking around for something to keep my attention...and I saw her.  This broad was absolutely STUNNING.  She was in a white dress that hugged her in all the right places, but the material wasn't too thick.  I could see the outline of black underwear through it.  Needless to day, I knew what had to be done.  After their service was over, I made a beeline straight for that chick and introduced myself.

I won't bore you guys with the details of the conversation, but I will tell you this....sex inside a confessional is AMAZING.  It's like you're being an exhibitionist for God.  They should promote that sorta thing more often.  I bet there'd be a whole lot more people going to church if that were the case.  I may make a point to swing by that place again since it seems she's there every Sunday.

Really Annoying


Okay.  I know that there's only one married couple around here and this really doesn't apply to them, but I'm just gonna throw this out there for the rest of you if you ever decide to get married.  ADDRESS YOUR DAMNED MAIL!!!

I get home from work yesterday and check my mail and there's a letter in there with no return address, but my name on it.  Now, I've gotten this sort of thing before with nice sexy polaroids, panties, and other tokens of affection.  I've also gotten some less than pleasant things, but I wasn't even thinking of that at the time.  So, I get into my pad, flip it open and it says quote:

If you touch my wife again, I'll fucking kill you.

Husband


Now, this is also not the first time I've been threatened by some broad's ball and chain.  Most of the I'll shrug it off, but if the guy seems unstable, like wrote the letter in his blood or something.....yes, it HAS happened, then I'll tell the chick we need to take a break until her man gets into therapy.  But here's the problem.  It has NO NAME!  I'm currently banging three married chicks, one seperated chick, one getting a divorce, and two that will be married within a couple months.  Any one of their guys could have wrote this damned letter.  I mean what the hell?!  How can he try to be all badass talking about killing me and not put his freakin name?  He could've at least put his lady's name so I know which one's the one I need to cut loose.  And to make matters worse, he typed the letter.  TYPED THE FUCKING LETTER!!!  So I can't even have them look at it and recognize the handwriting.

Such stupid bullshit.
Alriiiight, Valentine's Day.  One of the few days of the year where normally untouchable women will drop their panties to a guy who can wine and dine'em just right.  I have to say it's one of my favorite days of the year...for that same reason.  I've had my sights on this frigid broad for the past week.  And when I say frigid, I mean you could take a beer and shove it between the broad's tits to get it cold.  She's quite the ballbuster too, so no shock that she's single.  I've been playing the tried and true "secret admirer" routine on her.  Fresh flowers one day, box of chocolates another day....oh yeeeaaah, it's cheesy, but it totally gets the job done.  By this time tomorrow, I'm going to be stoking her fire and melting her frigid ass all over the house.  I'm willing to bet money that she's a complete closet freak.  The quiet ones always are.

Aside from that, I'm gonna actually be buyin a Valentine for my old lady.  She says I never have to, but since the old man's not around to do it, might as well let'er know that someone still cares about her.  I just hope Mittens doesn't get a hold of it.  He'll shred it to bits....the little bastard.  I hate that freakin cat.

Anybody else round here got special plans for V-day?

Jan. 8th, 2009


Wow...it looks like everybody's New Year was either pretty lame or just all around sucked (with a majority of it being of the sucking variety).  My New Year was pretty much the same as every other one for the past -not gonna say- years.  I brought it in with a bang.  No, not the fireworks kind...well, there were fireworks, but not the aerial kind.  For those of you a little slow on the uptake, I was getting laid.

Yeah, I have a tradition of hunting down a platinum blonde broad to "ring in" the New Year with.  Of course, they're sometimes hard to find, so preparation for the even usually begins a few weeks in advance.  I usually try to have at least three possible candidates in case one has to bail short notice.  So, aside from having some high heels up by my ears, my New Year was pretty average.  The year in general has been pretty normal....all my friends still remember my name (don't know what's going on with you guys).  On the downside, got another angry husband letter in my mailbox so clearly my non-friends remember me too.

Well, back to the usual, me and the guys are going to the Drunken Clam to hang out.  Might pick me up a friend along the way.  Giggity giggity!

Hidden Gems

[Lock from Dr. O]

You know how they say good things come to those who wait?  Well it's true...but it also helps to pay $9.95 a month for a subscription to Girls Gone Wild.

So I'm relaxing in the livingroom with a DVD going (this one was Girls Gone Wild - Club Cuties), and I notice a flash of pink among all the other teen cuties.  Pausing, I slowly rewind and guess who I see?  A certain little villianous in training.  Of course, I find that amusing and think nothing else of it so continue watching. 

About fifteen minutes later, I see her again...and some of the nicest jugs I've seen in a long while.  I mean these babies are PERFECT.  You must be proud.  Then I notice someone next to her trying to hide her face and I'm thinking "No fucking way!"  But it was!  The necromancer's kid!  On a Girls Gone Wild video!  Of course, she had to be a spoil sport and not show the goodies, but Kim was more than happy to make up for it.  Man, they were nice.  I'd love to get a repeat performance of that whenever you're free.

Wow.

Edit:  Yeah...definitely don't want the house on fire...not with all the "souvenirs" from Nicaragua...

[/Lock]

Slow Month

Yeah, it's been one of those months where not a whole lot is going on...well apparently for me.  Looks like things are getting pretty hectic on that side of the world.  I've been seeing a lot of talk about this Halloween party that Rip is supposed to be hosting.  Is this little shindig invitation only or what?  If things keep going like this, I might definitely take a trip over.  It'll be interesting getting to meet you guys face to face finally.

[private]

Especially miss leather.  Alriiight.

[/private]

By the way, should any of you people come up to New England, give me a buzz sometime...especially if any of you lovely ladies need a free place to crash.

Downs and Ups

Well, I hadn't posted on this thing in a little while.  I'd hoped to use it more regularly, but I had a whole lotta stuff come up.  Apparently I've pissed off some chick again cause I came out of the house this morning to find my tires slashed.  She might've been more effective if this weren't the up-teenth time that this has happened and I keep a rental car on standby just in case. 

It seems that I've gotta new enemy on the male side of the gender pool too.  A couple weeks after the tire incident, I get a letter in my box without a return address.  It said quote: "Stay away from my wife or I'll fucking kill you."  Yeah, real original stuff.  Shakespeare would've been proud.  Now, I've no problem giving up a little nookie in the name of self preservation...but the jerk off didn't give his name or even his fuckin wife's name.  So now I'm stuck playin a game of freakin Russian Roulette with my penis...and not in a good way.

I'm not totally full of bad news though.  I checked on how much I've got saved up in my retirement and was blown away.  Just a couple more years and I'll be able to take my Bone Around the World dream vacation.  Gonna bone a chick in every nation that's not technically a 3rd world country.

Well, that's the update on my life.  Noticed I gotta couple new friends.  What's up?  Drop me a line sometime.

Takin It Easy

I've noticed that it seems a lot of people have been going through lots of turmoil and what not around here.  That's definitely a tough break.  I actually had a nice, mellow weekend (which is actually nice for a change).  I hung out around the house most of the day, though later on I called one of my regular female friends and we went out to a local lounge for drinks.  We went back to my place for a bit of fun, but it was more laid back.  Nice and slow, takin our time.  The reeeaaal good stuff.  Not that the "pull my hair, throw her around, knocking shit off the wall" stuff isn't fun too.  It's just nice to actually make love to a woman rather than simply fuck her brains out once in a while.  Kinda makes me reconsider paying my dues to the Bachelor for Life club....then I get a stiff drink, look at the naked hottie rolling around and trying to regain the feeling in her legs and think....naaah.